Summary
Most feedback training teaches people how to give feedback. Receiving it is harder, and almost nobody is taught how. Treat feedback as information about what you do, listen until you understand it, and close with “Thank you for your feedback.” Then decide in your own time whether to change, remain, or reinforce.
The harder half
Many companies are building a better feedback culture. Most of the initiatives I have joined focused on giving feedback, and most feedback training teaches you how to phrase and structure it.
Giving good feedback is hard and takes practice. Receiving it comes first, and most people I have met were never taught how to receive feedback and process it.
It gets worse when people treat feedback training as a licence to be harsh. I have heard it too often: “Well, we should be franker with feedback. Your work is always crap, and you are bad at your job.”
Even skilled feedback can overwhelm you. You start defending yourself, or you do not know how to process it and learn from it.
Feedback should be a gift. I have taught this way of receiving it to many people. Feedback became less daunting for them, and they learned more from it.
It is about what you do
Start here: the feedback you receive is about what you do, not who you are. Changing who you are is hard. Changing what you do is possible.
Feedback often triggers a need to explain or defend, because your perception of a situation differs from the perception of the person giving it.
Nine ways to get it wrong
- You get defensive.
- You try to prove them wrong.
- You feel you have to change yourself.
- You answer to justify yourself.
- You dismiss the information.
- You feel helpless to do anything about what you heard.
- You change the focus and attack the speaker.
- You generalise the message and feel wrong about everything.
- You generalise the message and think you are perfect at everything.
Listen first
Make the effort to listen. It shows that feedback is welcome even when it is unpleasant, and it shows respect for how the other person feels about your behaviour. Listening here means staying quiet. Look at the person and work out what they want to say. Once you have heard it, use dialogue to clear up misunderstandings.
If someone generalises and says you always do something, ask for specific examples of when it happened. Before you process anything, make sure you have the full context and understand what was said.
The five levels of reacting
Avoid the first three levels at all costs. They have nothing to do with responding to feedback.
- Discarding. “This has nothing to do with me.”
- Defending. “No, that’s not how it was.”
- Explaining. “Yes, but…”
- Understanding. You listen and accept. Start here.
- Choosing. You decide what to do with it.
At level four, end the conversation with five words and walk away: “Thank you for your feedback.” The other person feels heard and keeps giving you feedback, and you have time to reflect. You do not need to respond on the spot.
Many people do not realise that receiving feedback does not oblige you to change anything. If it helps you improve, even better. At level five you have three options, and the choice is yours.
- Change. You take the feedback on board and do your best to improve.
- Remain. You listen and consciously decide not to change. Later, you share why you decided against it.
- Reinforce. Sometimes people dislike your actions and say so. You may have a good reason, or none, for acting the way you do. You go back to the person and share why you did not take the feedback on board.
What to take away
When you receive feedback, you never need to argue back. Make sure you understood what the person shared, and thank them. Then decide in your own time whether you want to change. Small changes like these usually improve your relationships.